


to say that I'm yours and you'll never be mine

by potterhamiltons



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Endgame Larry, Fluff, Harry has some issues, I'm Bad At Tagging, Idk what i'm doing, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Niall is a Good Friend, Slow Burn, Suicidal Thoughts, Underage Drinking, Unnecessarily long sentences and overuse of italics, Unrequited Love, how? idk, im so sorry, louis is great but painfully oblivious, no bullying though, no smut probably
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-26
Updated: 2017-09-28
Packaged: 2018-10-24 04:16:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,065
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10733937
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/potterhamiltons/pseuds/potterhamiltons
Summary: "The day they met was a rainy day. He had been eating alone in a secluded corner when Louis approached him, all big, bright smiles and sunny days; a striking contrast to his whirlwinds and cold waves. He really should have known something was wrong then.The day they met was a rainy day, and he wishes he had taken that as the universe's warning to stay away."or the one where Harry thinks about drowning and dark blue water a lot and Louis is always there but not in the way he wants him to be.





	1. The Beginning

**Author's Note:**

> I am absolute garbage and this is literally an excuse to project myself and my feelings onto harry and louis. And please excuse my non existing knowledge of the British school system and climate.
> 
> Please don't read this if you find anything in the tags triggering!!
> 
> Aside from that, if anyone's reading this incredibly self indulgent, sleep deprived, midnight spiel, I hope that you enjoy it or at least don't detest it.

The day they met was a rainy day. He had been eating alone in a secluded corner when Louis approached him, all big, bright smiles and sunny days; a striking contrast to his whirlwinds and cold waves. He really should have known something was wrong then.

The day they met was a rainy day, and he wishes he had taken that as the universe's warning to stay away.

While Louis was the best friend he'd ever had, sometimes Harry thought it'd be less painful to have never known what he was missing in his life. If they had never grown into friends, he can't help but think, he wouldn't have to witness Louis being so damn perfect all the time, and he wouldn't have to see someone else get what he didn't, _couldn't_ , have.

Louis had been the first peron he ever came out to, back when they were 13. They had been sitting on a park bench on an unusually cold April afternoon, and as the words came out of his mouth he immediately regretted them. Before that moment, a small part of him believed that Louis would say he was gay too and that, not unlike in his silly little world, they would end up dating. Of course, that didn't happen, and even though he got the best reaction he could hope for (Louis hugging him and telling him it was alright), he found himself wanting more.

That's how it went with them; everything was more than Harry could wish for, and yet he found that whenever Louis looked at him, he didn't see what Harry wanted him to see, and he didn't feel the way he wanted him to feel. It wasn't Louis' fault that it was so easy to fall in love with him, but Harry resented that he never noticed what he did to him. Louis was oblivious to the way Harry smiled wider, laughed harder, breathed easier, when he was around, and no matter how much Harry wanted to tell him, he never built up the courage to maybe ruin what they had.

*

As they sit at the lunch table with the others between them, Harry's mind takes him to this place he tries to avoid for his own sake, the place where Louis and he are together and every look and touch means more. In this place he's fully happy, without the constant weight on his chest, that seems to have no cause or reason to be.

There, Louis and him have been together since that day in the park, and they couldn't be happier. He knows that Louis would be a good boyfriend; he's always wanted someone who makes him laugh and feel cared for. In this ideal place, Louis feels just like he does, and he shows it. Harry sometimes gets lost in this world, and it all comes crashing down as he remembers that _no, Louis is straight, it's never gonna happen._

"Hey, aren't you gonna eat that?" Liam snaps him out of his reverie with a look of concern. He hadn't noticed he was picking at his food until now. He wasn't even aware of the pasta in front of him.

"Not particularly hungry" he mumbles almost inaudibly, and wishes he were lying, because he really hasn't felt hungry for a while. However, he feels Louis eyeing him suspiciously and starts eating anyway, because he wouldn't want to make any of them worried, but Louis has know him for 7 years, and he can't do that to him.

He ends up throwing half of his pasta away after eating in silence and listening to the others talk about football and other things they did during Easter break. Apparently Liam went to his Grandma's, Niall golfed with his dad, Zayn didn't really do much, and Louis played football for 7 hours straight. They never ask him and he doesn't feel the need to tell them that he spent four days in bed just because he couldn't find it in himself to stand up and _live._

As they leave for classes, Zayn stays back and asks him if he's okay and he doesn't know what to answer, because the thing is he has no reason to _not_ be. He's got great friends and family who accept him, he has better than average grades and his family is well off. Sure, his parents may be divorced but they're still on friendly terms and he still gets to see his dad, so that's not an excuse to be this sad. 

And then there's also the thing about being in love with Louis that shouldn't even be a thing because they're basically brothers, and how he sometimes feels like his friends don't _really_ need him, but those are things everyone deals with. They're things that shouldn't sometimes make him feel like it wouldn't be so bad to die. 

He doesn't tell Zayn any of this though because _how could he_ and he doesn't want to be a burden because _hey, Zayn probably has his own stuff going on_. Therefore, he just does his best to smile convincingly and says that yes, of course he is. He knows Zayn can see straight through him but he runs off to class before he can question him further. He silently hopes that they'll just dismiss it as a bad day, because that's what it _is_.

*

That afternoon he walks home slowly, thinking about Louis. He thinks about his blue eyes and his crinkly smiles, and unsurprisingly finds himself falling in love all over again, just like he did at 12. He wishes that they were still as close as they had been then, before the world grew complicated and when he didn't have any "bad days". These days something had crawled between them and won't let him reach Louis. Nowadays, Louis seems to prefer Zayn's or Liam's company, and although deep down he knows that Louis still loves him _(not like he wants him to)_ , his brain tells him that Louis doesn't need him anymore. The problem is that he believes it.


	2. The Middle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi. I have no excuse as to why this is so late other than how I have a crippling fear of being judged and I started writing this story when I was on a weird adrenaline rush. I already have most of this story written up (I wrote it for myself) but whether I post it will depend on how many people are interested. Anyway I hope all 2 of you reading this enjoy this very simple and short chapter. As always, reviews are encouraged but please be kind, and also this is based off of my own experiences so don’t be too harsh.
> 
> PS: trigger warning for suicidal thoughts I guess.

Liam is talking as he sits down for lunch the next day.

"So, guys are you gonna do anything this weekend?"

They all shake their heads.

"Great! How do you feel about camping?"

Only Louis and Niall look excited about the idea.

"Okay great!" Liam says even though no one answered. "My dad just bought a tent and I thought we could go camping. There's this place that's only two hours away and there's rivers and it's really beautiful."

"I'm down for it." Zayn finally says. Harry supposes that this only leaves him and he doesn't want to ruin their plans.

"Sure, sounds fun." He smiles lightly.

\--

On Saturday he wakes up early, and he feels surprisingly light. He remembers that he promised that he would go on a camping trip with the boys, and quickly packs up an overnight bag.

Liam picks him up last, arriving on time. He gets in the car and greets everyone.

\--

They drive for two hours while singing along to the radio and talking. Niall and Liam are in the front seat and he's with Zayn and Louis in the back seat. Since neither Zayn nor Louis are morning people, they don't talk a lot. 

Finally they arrive at the place and Harry secretly thinks that Liam was right; the place is beautiful, if a little cold.

"Okay so we should probably set up the tent first." Liam says after seeing Zayn and Louis start play fighting in the camp site

"Okay father." Louis rolls his eyes and putting his hands up in surrender.

"Well if you stopped acting like children..." Liam says, pretending to be annoyed but smiling.

Harry and Liam end up putting up the tent themselves with a little bit of help from Zayn.

"Tent's up. Thanks for the help guys." Zayn says to Niall and Louis as he walks over to where they're sitting on a tree trunk.

"Oh get off that high horse Z you barely helped." Niall says, laughing. 

"I did more than you." Zayn scoffs.

"Well should we go do something?" Louis says, clapping his hands and standing up.

"How about we go look around" Liam pipes up.

They all agree and start walking. Soon he could hear a river coursing in the distance, and as Harry looks up he sees a wide river. He also notices a bridge going to the other side of the river. They start going across the bridge and Harry stops for a second. He looks down at the rushing water, distracted. His mind wanders, and soon he's thinking about how it would feel to jump. He could just jump off and it would all be over. He stares at the water hitting the rocks below him and chastises himself. He can't do that, not with all the boys in front of him. 

So he keeps walking, but throughout the rest of their trek his mind keeps going back to how simple it would be to just end things.

Their walk doesn't lead them anywhere intersting so they go back to the campsite and start a fire. They eat sandwiches that Liam's mum packed and Harry's stomach feels unsettled, but he doesn't think it's because of the food.

After dinner Harry walks alone for a bit while the others talk. He ends up staring over the bridge at the water swirling beneath him once again. He's lost in thought until he hears a voice call out to him.

"Harry?" Niall says. "What are you doing out here?" 

Harry ignores his question. He notices that Niall looks a bit worried.

"What do you think happens after you die?" Niall is taken aback by the question and Harry goes on. "I'd like to believe in reencarnation. It'd be pretty cool to get a second chance." 

He realizes that he's probably worrying Niall, but he's too cold and tired to care.

"Yeah but don't think about that stuff mate, it's a long way away." 

"Yeah I know I guess I'm just wondering..." he doesn't bother to correct him and tries to smile at him so he'll seem less strange.

He walks with Niall away from the bridge, slightly disappointed. Not today.

\--

Later that night they're all talking in their sleeping bags, and Louis asks Liam how things are going with Sophia, the girl Liam likes. He blushes and mutters good.

"Hey H how about you, anyone you fancy?" Louis asks next and Harry is surprised. Even though he'd come out to all his friends the previous year they'd never talked about who he liked. He can also appreciate the irony of Louis being the one to ask him, though he was always nosey.

"Not really." He says slowly and Niall scoffs.

"Come on, there are tons of fit guys at school."

"Well I guess there is someone I like." He says looking at Louis, smiling dangerously while knowing that this is too risky. He doesn't understand why he's been acting so impulsively today and it's frustrating.

"Oh do share." Liam says, smirking.

Harry panics, and says the first name that comes to his mind.

"Well there's that guy um Xander, a year above us"

He's actually quite proud of coming up with him on the spot. Xander Ritz may not truly be who he's into but he really is hot and the guys won't question it.

"The jock?" Zayn asks, searching his mind for a face.

"Yeah I see it." Louis nods, smirking. "He's cute, you should go for it."

Harry is about to reply that he's not really the one he wants to go for but luckily Liam interrupts him.

"He may be handsome but what kind of name is Xander Ritz." 

They all laugh and the conversation drifts from there. After a while they all say goodnight and turn off the flashlights. But Harry isn't able to fall asleep.

When he does manage to fall asleep, he wakes up two hours later startled after dreaming about jumping off the bridge and seeing Louis' desperate face above him from the water where he's drowning. He's gasping for breath as he jolts up and looks around. He angrily turns around and thinks about hiw much of a coward he is, even in his dream. He doesn't notice Niall next to Zayn hearing him and frowning


End file.
